It’s been a while. I have been having some trouble coming back to this blog. I have thought about it every day since my original post. I was in a good place during my last post. The words flowed out with ease.
Sometimes it can be tough to get thoughts written down…because then they become real.
The struggle of Depression and Anxiety is so real. When I first started on this journey, I had no idea what to expect. In no way did I think that this was something that could be considered a “quick fix,” but I had no idea the amount of work that lied ahead of me. Every single day brings something different. One day I am in an absolutely fantastic head space and the world is the most fascinating and beautiful place. The next day can be dreadful. Hell, sometimes these two extremes can happen in the same day. Those days…are exhausting.
It’s tough to understand this roller coaster of emotions when you have not experienced it yourself. When I try to explain it to those who do not experience these intense mood shifts, it just doesn’t quite make sense to them.
Right now I am working on pinpointing my triggers. There are many and they can come at very unexpected times and places. My situation causes me to be an extremely sensitive individual, and therefore the smallest questions or comments can set me off.
I am currently working in a job that I no longer get joy from. Trigger #1. Everyday I must convince myself to get out of bed in the morning to drag myself over to the building where negative energy lies. It seems very counter intuitive since everything that I have been working towards is getting away from that negativity. It isn’t for lack of trying…I have been searching for a new job for over a year now. Have you tried looking for a new job recently? It is TOUGH. It is especially tough for someone who is struggling so much outside of work and just wanting OUT. I have debated just up and quitting so many times I’ve lost count, but I know that would be an even worse decision. Talk about stress…how about I just stop getting any sort of monetary income? Nope. Not the answer. So I’ve waited…applied…got denied…waited some more…applied again…interviewed…got denied…and the cycle goes on and on. It feels like I am a trapped rat here. I want to make the move…I am dying to get out. But I have to be patient and wait until the right opportunity comes along.
My sister is getting married in May. Trigger #2. We have always been close, my sister and I. But we tend to have a love-hate relationship most of the time. She is someone who can get under my skin more than anyone on this planet. As my older sister, she has taken on the second mother figure role since I was born. In one way, I am lucky that I have someone who cares so much about me that they treat me and love me like their own child. But I am not her child. She has no right judge every single decision that I make in my life and act like she knows what is best. She has never quite understood the depressive feelings that I experience, and unfortunately cannot be someone I can go to for help in that area. Now don’t get me wrong…I love my sister to death. She is a great person with a great heart. It is just impossible for some people to understand what those with mental health issues go through on a daily basis. I do my best to be there for her and try to enjoy this exciting time in her life. I am happy that she is happy, and her fiance is a great man. The problem lies in all of the parties, family time, and work that has gone into this wedding. I have become quite the recluse as of late, and being an outgoing and fun friend/family member has been really tough for me. If I do not attend or contribute, they will think that I am uninterested or do not care about them. But at a certain point, aren’t my feelings the most important?
This is what I have been working on as well Choosing myself over others. This may seem like a natural or somewhat easy task for some, but it is extremely difficult for someone like myself. I am a natural people pleaser. I want to be well liked by everyone. WHYYYYY though? In the grand scheme of things, do other people’s opinions of me matter? Especially if I am, in turn, making myself miserable in order to please their needs?
Sigh…this post didn’t exactly go the way that I was hoping it would. I wanted this blog to be uplifting and a positive light for those who are struggling along with me. But this is the reality of living with anxiety and depression. This post…is real. There have been many days like this, and there will be many more like this in the future. But what keeps me going is knowing that the change and growth will come with time. I have come so incredibly far since I started this journey. I have so much farther to go…and I will get through this.
I take two steps forward and one step back. But at least I am moving forward.