The Struggle

Hello Again,

It’s been a while.  I have been having some trouble coming back to this blog.  I have thought about it every day since my original post.  I was in a good place during my last post.  The words flowed out with ease.

Sometimes it can be tough to get thoughts written down…because then they become real.

The struggle of Depression and Anxiety is so real.  When I first started on this journey, I had no idea what to expect.  In no way did I think that this was something that could be considered a “quick fix,” but I had no idea the amount of work that lied ahead of me.  Every single day brings something different.  One day I am in an absolutely fantastic head space and the world is the most fascinating and beautiful place.  The next day can be dreadful.  Hell, sometimes these two extremes can happen in the same day.  Those days…are exhausting.

It’s tough to understand this roller coaster of emotions when you have not experienced it yourself.  When I try to explain it to those who do not experience these intense mood shifts, it just doesn’t quite make sense to them.

Right now I am working on pinpointing my triggers.  There are many and they can come at very unexpected times and places.  My situation causes me to be an extremely sensitive individual, and therefore the smallest questions or comments can set me off.

I am currently working in a job that I no longer get joy from.  Trigger #1. Everyday I must convince myself to get out of bed in the morning to drag myself over to the building where negative energy lies.  It seems very counter intuitive since everything that I have been working towards is getting away from that negativity.  It isn’t for lack of trying…I have been searching for a new job for over a year now.  Have you tried looking for a new job recently?  It is TOUGH. It is especially tough for someone who is struggling so much outside of work and just wanting OUT.  I have debated just up and quitting so many times I’ve lost count, but I know that would be an even worse decision.  Talk about stress…how about I just stop getting any sort of monetary income?  Nope.  Not the answer.  So I’ve waited…applied…got denied…waited some more…applied again…interviewed…got denied…and the cycle goes on and on.  It feels like I am a trapped rat here.  I want to make the move…I am dying to get out.  But I have to be patient and wait until the right opportunity comes along.

My sister is getting married in May.  Trigger #2.  We have always been close, my sister and I.  But we tend to have a love-hate relationship most of the time.  She is someone who can get under my skin more than anyone on this planet.  As my older sister, she has taken on the second mother figure role since I was born.  In one way, I am lucky that I have someone who cares so much about me that they treat me and love me like their own child.  But I am not her child.  She has no right judge every single decision that I make in my life and act like she knows what is best.  She has never quite understood the depressive feelings that I experience, and unfortunately cannot be someone I can go to for help in that area.  Now don’t get me wrong…I love my sister to death.  She is a great person with a great heart.  It is just impossible for some people to understand what those with mental health issues go through on a daily basis.  I do my best to be there for her and try to enjoy this exciting time in her life.  I am happy that she is happy, and her fiance is a great man.  The problem lies in all of the parties, family time, and work that has gone into this wedding.  I have become quite the recluse as of late, and being an outgoing and fun friend/family member has been really tough for me.  If I do not attend or contribute, they will think that I am uninterested or do not care about them.  But at a certain point, aren’t my feelings the most important?

This is what I have been working on as well  Choosing myself over others.  This may seem like a natural or somewhat easy task for some, but it is extremely difficult for someone like myself.  I am a natural people pleaser.  I want to be well liked by everyone. WHYYYYY though? In the grand scheme of things, do other people’s opinions of me matter?  Especially if I am, in turn, making myself miserable in order to please their needs?

Sigh…this post didn’t exactly go the way that I was hoping it would.  I wanted this blog to be uplifting and a positive light for those who are struggling along with me.  But this is the reality of living with anxiety and depression.  This post…is real.  There have been many days like this, and there will be many more like this in the future.  But what keeps me going is knowing that the change and growth will come with time. I have come so incredibly far since I started this journey.  I have so much farther to go…and I will get through this.

I take two steps forward and one step back.  But at least I am moving forward.

 

-B

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Purpose.

An introduction to the thoughts inside the head of a girl on the road to happiness.

Welcome!

Hello to anyone and everyone who stumbles across this blog. I created this blog in hopes to vent my own worries/hopes/fears/aspirations while also inspiring others who are searching for their own meaning in life.

Purpose has been a main subject of thought for me throughout the past 10 years of my life. Why am I here? What am I meant to do? Who am I supposed to be? These are pretty heavy questions to contemplate, especially at the age of 27. However, I feel as though I am incredibly lucky to be on this journey of self discovery so early in life as it gives me much more time to explore and experience everything that my potential self has to offer.

This journey all started for me at the age of 18. I started losing my focus on the long term. I dabbled in some drugs, began drinking a lot on the weekends, and lingering from my family. I think we all just thought this was just a stage, that it would pass. Oh she’s just a teenager being rebellious, that’s normal. However, years went by and this “stage” only got worse.

At age 22, I found myself in a deep dark hole of depression that I could not seem to escape. Every single day was a struggle to get out of bed, go to work, get to the gym, hang out with friends, etc. At this time, I was unable to articulate the true reasoning behind my depression and how it actually inhibited my life. Friends would say, “what’s wrong?” “Just go outside, you’ll feel better.” Or “maybe you’re just tired.” I did not know what was wrong, being outside did not make me feel better, and I slept about 10-12 hours a day. So what really was the problem?

I started seeing a therapist around this time, in hopes to find some answers for myself. I went through about 3-4 therapists and none of them understood how to help me. I was started to feel hopeless. Was this going to be how I felt for the rest of my life? I realized that I no longer remembered what it felt like to be happy. My family and I briefly discussed antidepressants, but that had a large stigma attached to it for me. I didn’t want to be dependent on a drug to make me happy for the rest of my life. I have always been incredibly independent and stubborn, so I was determined to do it on my own.

Fast forward to 4 years later…I am 26 and have been seeing the same therapist for 2 years now. She is fantastic. She gets me. She doesn’t rush me or push me to talk about anything I don’t want to. However, she motivates me to be better. So I start to look deep inside myself to find the root of my sadness and worry. I begin to dig deep and start to slowly but surely crawl out of the hole I had been living in forever. Just when I felt I was starting to make progress, I crashed. I’m still not sure what triggered it, whether it was a mistake at work or just the crappy weather wearing on me, but I was out of control. I called my mother that day in hysterics as I drove home from work. “I can’t live my life this way anymore” I told her. “I need help.” She told me everything was going to be okay and that I needed to see my doctor the next day to be put on some sort of antidepressant. And so I did.

At the time, I thought this was my rock bottom. This was the worst I had ever felt in my depressive state dealing with these continuous and never ending downward spirals. What I didn’t know, was that this was just the beginning of the rest of my life. That night I chose myself. I surrendered to the stubbornness, the stigma that I would be weak for making this choice. I thought I had given up on myself. But in actuality, I was choosing me. I chose to make my mental health a priority, no matter what that meant I had to do. I am worth it and so are you.

Today I am 27 years old and still on this beautiful journey of self discovery. I have to work hard on it every single day. And I am enjoying every moment of it because I know that my life has a purpose. I was put on this earth to be a warrior. I am strong, beautiful, caring, brave, intelligent, independent, and wise. 22 year old me had no idea of this existence inside of her. She wouldn’t even recognize her reflection looking back at her now.

Hindsight is 20/20, this is true. It takes years of experiencing, learning, and growing in order to achieve that hindsight. However, I hope that by sharing a little bit about my story of finding myself that I can help those who are in that deep hole to make the first step in climbing out. It won’t be easy, but I can promise you it will be worth it.

-B